It's too late to apologize

Is it? No, it will never be too late, one day i want real decent excuses. Because i don't think you realize what you did, Don't you?
I'm mad at you and at me. Because I was so stupid. I didn't say anything, i read the old stuff, and i felt so stupid and ashamed and humiliated. How could you do that?
Just one question... What didn't you understand in the story of my life? Do you think the first time you saw me crying i pretended it?
Where do I begin? I don't hate you, there are just some days I'm more mad than others. Because im realizing a stranger is nicer and paying more attention to me and my life than you. Did it ever come to your mind to ask me a picture of where i live? Did it ever come to your mind to wish me good luck for my exam the morning before?
Did you take the time to answer to my emails with an equal length? Instead of 2 stupid lines to give you good conscience after i sent 4 emails almost begging you to give me some news. God i was so stupid. I know at first you did it. But after 2 months it was already old story.
You knew from the beginning and you made it last.
You exhausted me, emotionally and physically. And i let you do it. And i was always like "i understand, it's ok". But no, it wasn't. Did you try to understand me or my feelings or are you just too selfish and too self-centred to realize people around had feelings, that I had feelings, that i had already been through hell and that no it wasn't easy for me either.
That i was alone too, that my friends didn't understand and i couldn't tell them. They hated you, they still hate you, and they'll keep hating you.
What i never told you, what you don't know is that you destroyed me. You made me lose faith and hope, i was broken, and it was too much. I can't trust anymore, either me or any one else. Even if a guy was offering me the moon, i'd be scared and i'd think deep inside he's lying. I was too proud to tell you but you did. You ruined me. I can't open myself because im too scared to be hurt again. I've been wanting to punch you for months so that you can suffer too, so that you can feel a hundredth of what i've been feeling like after what you did. And then you're asking me why i dont have a boyfriend. You must have been fucking kidding me when you asked me that question. Believe me, i'm not gonna let someone in anymore unless he's really patient and mends me. Maybe that's what happening right now, and maybe that's why i'm realizing right now all this. And i don't have the guts to send you that, but i need it out of me.
One day, i'll explain all this to you, calmly, i needed the time to realize, i needed the time to let myself say it, to admit that i've been so stupid, to admit that yes you did break me, to admit that no it wasn't ok, no i didn't understand, no i shouldn't have been so understanding and so patient. And you knew my story, and you knew my life, and you knew what happened before, and you never had to live that, so maybe you couldn't understand, maybe you didn't realize what it meant to me to let you in, and you probably don't realize all the damages you left behind you.
One day, i'll be strong enough to tell you all that, and i'll have my apology. I'll probably have moved on, i think i've moved on now, but this bitterness is still here and has been more present lately when i realized what caring for someone actually meant and that's why i needed that out. Because it's not fair and i hate injustice, i hate when the bad wins, it will never be too late for apologies.
Not in 6 months, not in 1 year, not in 50 years.

I can't find a title. I was just thinking that life is weird.
Because I have a little something, I have been having it for almost 2 months now, while i was thinking that it would probably be over by now.
How to explain it? I don't know.
Just little (no, big in fact) emails, little sentences, little attentions, little simple things that make me feel better, and make my day better.
How do you learn to know someone you saw once in your life through the magic of the Internet? How can someone you barely know pay more attention to you than did your ex-boyfriend in the last months of your relationship? The time difference is the same though....
How all of this started? Why is it so nice and pleasurable?
Little by little, learning to believe again that people are nice and not trying to break you, learning to trust life again.
Thx petit coeur for making me smile every day.