Lettre à Sydney

Polnareff sang this beautiful song about France, but when I listen to it, it makes me think of my feelings for Australia. And the double meaning is somewhat accurate as well.

Once upon a time... I was in Sydney. I miss it. There has been too many reminders this week. This sudden renewed connection with you, news from home, it's all too much.

We're gonna go back to being strangers, i'm gonna stop asking news to avoid the pain and it will all go back to normal. But today, just today, I think of all these moments. You and me, me and this city.
The skyline when I was walking to the train, the lattes, the chai lattes, the train, Sydney uni. My phone there, my house. My friends, the parties, the walks, the brekkies in double bay, the brekkies at home.

The opera house, the Harbour bridge. The feeling I got when I first saw them, the pain I felt when I saw them for the last time on that Friday night.

Our memories. Hearing your voice for the first time from that public phone, my anxious wait in front of the Coles in Kings Cross, our second kiss, first in Sydney, in that train.
The rides to your place, your house I could draw with my eyes closed. That time we taught me on which side of the escalator to stand, that time we went to sit on the stairs of the Opera House and you told me that was reminding you of our night in Miami. Your drunken calls, ou drunken and sober fights, the mean things you told me. The make-ups, the last night, your panic attack in my bed, your anxiety, my pain and anxiety. Our last kiss. Seeing you staying behind those doors, and me going through them, handing my passport in tears. Listening to Tool like that arvo in your car when the sun was shining.
What you told me while we were sitting on the pavement in Kings Cross. That you would lose everything. And the rest of it, the first chats and mails, and that stupid phone call which screwed up everything.

And now what's left? Jianni is having his own business, Adele is living in the same city as Cam, Daniel bought an apartment, Onur is gonna go away for a year, and you, you stay the screwed up kid i met.

Why is it so strong, why can't I erase everything, why cant I behave with you like i do with anybody else? What is it with you, what did you do to me?

Depuis que je suis loin de toi, je suis comme loin de moi, et je pense à toi tout bas.
Tu es à 24h de moi, je suis à une année de toi, c'est ca être ici.
La différence, c'est ce silence, parfois au fond de moi. 
Tu vis toujours au bord de l'eau, quelques fois dans les journaux, je te vois sur des photos
Et moi, loin de toi, je vis dans une boîte à musique, électrique et fantastique, 
Je vis en chimérique.
 

Welcome to Mystery

This is a place where your mind can escape to
All the problems today and go far far away
This is time with no history
Welcome to mystery

I would like to go to that place tonight, cos the pain is back. Milder of course, as usual when it comes back, but there. It's just a little bit too familiar.
The Insa is grieving again and it just reminds me of 4 year and a half ago. That long ago. Not the same circumstances at all. But i was seeing your old window on tv and i just remembered that one day you did exist and lived there.

What kills me tonight is that there is no reminder of you anywhere. Just that Olive tree and your home. No flowers, no memorial. Where are you sweet angel? Why did I forget so much about you. When I write you name, it feels weird. Like it's in the back of my mind, something that will never go away but that i forgot.

It doesn't seem real, i'm not even sure why i'm talking to you. It's their weird feeling of a safe place, a safe thing to think about, to reassure me, to remind me that that time existed.

I am confused. I hate time for erasing things. I didn't believe people when they were telling me it would. I didn't want to. I didn't want to lose my pain cos i knew the moment i'd stop feeling constant pain, it would mean i would forget.

Of course, you never really forget but it is not the same anymore. You get used to it. Not being able to see you helped.
Everything becomes blurry. But right now i have a vivid picture of you in my head and it hurts. To imagine being able to see you and hold you.
Holding you, that's what i miss the most when i think about it. Touching you. Feeling your skin under my fingers. Feeling that you're real and alive.


In one hour, in two hours, tomorrow, my tears will be gone again. I'll go back to this world i've been building ever since you've been gone, i'll go back to this new life, this life where it feels like you never existed. I'll go back to living while you'll stay dead and nonexistent.

But for just a few more minutes, a few more hours, i wanna keep that pain just to remember that you were with us one day. And I wanna keep that hope that i'll be able one day to go to Mystery Land, with no history, where my mind can escape to, a new destination of my own creation, where i would make you come back for just 1 minute just so that, for a last time, i can hold you against me and feel your warm skin and your heart beat.

I remember

One year ago...
I remember my feeling of that arvo, my anxious anticipation while I was reading my articles. My doubts and fears, the fear of what I could say on that night, the fear of the unknown. I was about to do it and freaking out.
I remember getting ready, all excited, I remember Onur's question, I don't really remember the train trip but I remember exactly how I was dressed.
I remember going to watch the stars, what a perfect night. I remember that weird sandwich eaten cos I was starving in the line. I remember you being nice. I remember Saturn's ring and that old man who couldn't stop talking.
I remember the little candle lit in your room cos it was Earth Hour and it was better to turn off the lights.
I remember your question, if I was sure, I remember saying yes, half excited half afraid.
And a new world opened itself in front of me. Feelings I hadn't conceived, sensations I hadn't imagined up till that night.
Never had I felt so close from someone, so connected. Never had I felt the need to tell my life like i did on that night. Never had I felt so strong sensations in my body. Never had I had tears running down my cheeks without realising it.
I remember your concern and your attention, so rare and so enjoyable. I remember hearing Cog for the first time, I remember eating those starburst in my mouth, so unbearable cos too sweet for my sudden accentuated taste.
Alert to everything, listening to your past, touched by what you could tell even if it was all just artificial, even if it would have never happened if we had been normal on that night.
I remember falling asleep while you were watching entourage, I remember the wake up and the voicemail, how you tried to cheer me up by doing a sad clown face.
I gave in the devil temptation on that night but never have I regretted it. I had never lived such an amazing experience.

One year later, while i watched the Opera House lights being turned off for one hour on the news, I had a pain in my chest, a pain in my stomach, just to remember everything that had happened one year before.

It is in these precise moments that i would give anything to be back there and that I miss you.