Envie de rien...

Ca vous est jamais arrivé? Cette envie de vouloir rester enfouie sous sa couette, histoire de pas avoir à affronter une journée, pas juste par flemmardise, juste parce que ras-le-bol général.
Voilà, juste ca, pas envie de me lever demain, pas envie de faire une journée routine, pas envie d'affronter le monde.
Un peu comme si certaines dates du calendrier agissaient sur moi sans que je m'en rende compte, d'un coup, cet abattement.
L'impression de pas être à ma place nul part, de pas être en accord avec ce monde auquel je comprends plus rien. Et cette impression de ne plus l'avoir près de moi pour veiller sur moi.
Décalage total, paumée et triste et chialeuse, et fatiguée de tout. L'impression d'avoir déjà presque tout vu et tout vécu.
Trouver du sens, trouver une raison pour se lever, se battre, se battre, lutter, lutter. Epuisée de lutter, juste épuisée, de tout et sans savoir pourquoi.
Juste envie de me cacher sous les couvertures et de faire la morte quelques temps, de me faire oublier, et d'oublier moi aussi.
Juste là je disparais, transparente, transparente, transparente...

......

It won't break me, no it won't. Life has taught me at least one thing, how to cope with things.
I won't show how sad or mad or hurt I can be, you can think whatever you want you're not into my head. I can deal with lots of things inside but my face will always show a big bright smile. My smile is my strength, and I'll always wear it.
I might have lost it for months, but it won't ever fade away again. My smile can hide everything.
I don't care anyway.

When faced with the choice to cry over something I've never believed in and I wasn't sure to want or over my soul mate, I chose my soul mate. Tonight, if my tears are running down my cheeks, it's because of an angel, lost too early. I prefer to regress to that pain, I know it, and I love it.

The song I chose to listen to is just for him, because I can see him trying desperatly to cheer me up, ready to kick the ass of the people who just hurt me.
That was my baby, ready to fight for me at anytime.

And his last texto in my head, those words resonating in my head "Puce quand j'arriverai à Toulouse je veux passer toute une journée au lit à regarder des Friends avec toi, au'est-ce t'en penses c'est pas une bonne idée ca?" and his last words and the silence and the coldness.
That's what Im thinking about tonight, he's the one I want to hug tonight, he's the one I kept calling for when I drunk too much.

That's all I can think about, that's all I can cry for. Even away, he's here for me, to help me.
There won't ever be anything else that will hurt me more than the thought of all the things we've missed together, there won't ever be anything else I will cry for, there won't ever be anything else susceptible to take my smile away.

Because whatever I can go through, nothing will be worst than that.


And that will be the regret I will have to live with till my death, that will be my regret and my guilt. Except I know I couldn't have done anything to change it.

When TV meets reality...

There are moments in our lives where we find ourselves at a crossroad afraid confused, without a roadmap.
The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days.
Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.
But once in a while people push on to something better something found just behind the pain of going it alone
And just beyound the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or to give someone a second chance.
Something beyound the quiet persistance of a dream.
Because it is only when you're tested that you truly discover who you are.
And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be.
the person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hardwork, and faith and belief
And beyound the heartache and fear of what lies ahead.

In my world

Stuck in the past, enjoying the present moment but not really knowing where im going to. So scared of this fucking future, so scared. Not able to plan anymore, to decide where i want to live, what i want to do. So lost, so fucking lost. What is gonna happen at the end of this year??
The past took me my future, i can only live in the present. Too many uncertain things when I try to look in the future.
I tried to start planning again, but it didn't last. I'm all by myself to do that, and I have no idea where I'm heading to.
We're all by ourselves, I'm by myself. I feel like I'm fighting against a windmill. Someone is gonna have to decide soon, I don't want to do that, Im not strong enough to do that, and I'm fed up.
I'm fed up of everything, except of my friends. I'm fed up to wake up early, work all day long, then late in the night and sleep just a little bit to start it all over again.
Im fed up fed up, you know why, but I can't tell and it's killing me inside, but im shutting up because im too scared and not strong enough.
I my world it's a hell of a mess right now