Miss you

I said it. Can't say it anywhere else, but I miss you.

Running away

I'm running away, moving from this place. I need to get out of here.
I need to run away from this place, to go back to the other side of the world, where i'll be closer but that's what i am running away from too.
I go through all the different emotions in less than 24 hours. I'm insomniac and can't sleep. I'm tired and my eyes are red.
Because i need to run away from this place, to run away from the bad memories, from the pain, from the memories, from the letters, from the pictures.
Because I need to run away from you, but can't seem to, you stupid you, you stole my old memories, you made your way through them, you had no rights to do that, why the fuck can't I run away, erase, forget? If I run away from my biggest pain, then i get closer to you, and i need to run away from you.
But the choice is just easy, i'll end up being able to run away from you, but i'll never forget the other thing.
I hate life and its roller coasters, its metaphorical parabolas, from nothing to a lot to end up back to nothing.
So we are strangers now, we are strangers again, like nothing never happened, like no trace was left. Like the smiles and laughs, the tears and pain were nothing, they were not worth living, because we are back to nothing. I should have known.
I wish I never got to see you again. I wish that for once life would have been gentle.

I never want to experience pain again. So when i'll have run away from you, i'll run away from here and will never let someone get so close to me that I need to run away from him.

I'm running away, i'm leaving this place, i'm running away...

Roads

When we are faced with the awful we promise ourselves that we'll never keep our mouths shut anymore. That we'll say what we feel before it's too late.
That we'll show our feelings because life is too short, because there might be no tomorrow.
When you understand that life is fragile and can stop in the blink of an eye leaving you in tears and in pain, with all those words you wanted to say but that you can't say anymore.
We promise ourselves that we'll never have to tell our feelings to a ghost, that we won't have to write what we wanted to say because screaming in the emptiness is not enough and is exhausting.
So the first months, we say. We say everything to avoid having any regrets.

But then life goes on, and we make the same mistakes. We go back to our old pattern and we shut up. Pride comes back and we keep our mouth shut. It's killing from the inside, but gosh no, we are way too proud to say anything, to appear weak, to risk being hurt. Life goes on and we forget that it is fragile, we forget that it can stop in the blink of an eye. It won't happen again, and we keep our mouth shut.

Reason and pride come first, and speak before our feelings. Part of us wants to soften because we have a blurry memory of the feeling, but this part is quickly overcome by the rest. By the fear, by the logic, by the pride. Fucking pride.

I should know better, I learnt it the hard way, I know death can happen again, but somehow, i can't defeat my pride, so I shut up, I don't soften, I act cold and distant. To regret it one day.

We always end up doing the same mistake, over and over again. No matter how hard we promised ourselves never to do so.

Bang Bang, my baby shot me down

What i have refused to see just appeared in my dreams, as a reminder.
The pain, this awful pain, this tearing, I cannot face that again, I can't endure this once again.
Always different circumstances but always the same story, the same ending. This ending i can't stand anymore, my heart can't take that anymore.
But I also know that I am looking for those endings. Not the first one, but the followings, it is my own fault.
Who was I kidding? I didn't realise up till now, but it is gonna hurt. I've always been the one who said it didn't matter but as the fatal day approaches, I am the one stepping back now and freaking out.
I need to protect myself, to avoid that pain, but isn't it too late anyway? It was too late from the first day, it was unavoidable from day one, even before probably.
You were right from the beginning, and I tried to show you the contrary, but you were so right, and I wish I could be more like you. I wish I had taken more precautions from the beginning.
But I can't do things half half. I don't know grey. I only know black and white.
I can't go on like this, but are my choices anyway now? It's too late. I can just try to do the best to soothe the pain, to make things less difficult when they'll arrive.
I understood you this morning, I understood why you act like that sometimes. Because when it's too nice, when we're too close, leaving is suddenly the best option to not be hurt.
I can't get this feeling away from my mind, those tears, this pain, I don't want to live this again. Should I cut you out of my life then? Should I just ignore you and put a wall between us.
Sometimes, it's just easier to hate than to have no choice, it makes things easier. But I have no anger, nothing to blame you for. You're the way I wanted you to be, and it just makes things more difficult.
As if going back wasn't going to be hard enough. Going back to a boring life there, with everything reminding me of before, of my previous life. Where a sound brings me back to my innocence. Where cars drive on the good side of the roads, where firefighters make this sound I know too well. Where TV is boring and where I can hear French everywhere.
This life I despise, this side of the world I despise, I don't want to be back there, I want to stay here.
And letting your eyes behind. Of course these eyes are gonna shut themselves, that's another look I'm gonna lose.
I suddenly understand everything, and it's hard to fight, to keep the distance, probably because i'm a girl and I'm sensitive. It's hard to put enough distance but not too much.
I wish I were you, I wish I could reach that balance, but somehow i can't. So i'm just going to be distant and cold, and go back to my old pain, anyway, that's the one i'll have to face when i'll be back to these familiar surroundings.
In advance, I'm sorry for what i'm going to put you through.
There's one last thing i wish i could tell you but i'll never admit it, so i'll just shut up.

Bang, bang, you shot me down,
Bang, bang, I hit the ground,
Bang, bang, that awful sound
Bang, bang

Collision

Pourquoi être venu me chercher si c'était pour mieux t'en aller?
Je n'y peux rien s'il y a cette connection entre nous, je n'en n'avais rien à foutre de toi, vraiment rien à foutre.
Cette nuit serait juste restée un beau souvenir si tu n'avais pas laissé ce putain de mot.
Si tu n'avais pas écrit tout ce que tu as écrit
Si tu n'avais cherché à me revoir.
Et je te déteste, du plus profond de mon être, pour me faire ce que tu me fais
Mais telle une drogue, je ne peux pas me désintoxiquer.
L'alcool coules dans mon sang, la nicotine vient pourrir mes poumons, je ne voulais pas de toi, je ne voulais pas de tout ca, je ne voulais rien, rien du tout, que crever en paix il y a 3ans.
Va te faire, je te hais, mais la haine est le plus proche sentiment de l'autre chose, cette autre chose dont je ne me souviens plus la signification.
Je ne veux plus te voir, plus rien avoir à faire avec toi, je ne veux que mon bébé, je ne veux que lui, sur une plage, sur le sable, lui seul et personne d'autre.
Tu n'es rien d'autre qu'un gamin insignifiant, un petit con immature.
Laisse-moi en paix et rends-moi mes démons intérieurs, tu ne vaux rien.
Tu ne vaux rien.

It is in your eyes

Your eyes... I am wondering how I would feel if I had been able to see them again. To see your look a last time.
Only a movie, that would have never been possible, but what would have happened if I had been given the chance to see them again.
The weird thing is that i can't really remember them now. God it is becoming all so blurry. Your face is so blurry, your memory is so distant.
I just remember a feeling. I know that it happened, i know that you existed, i remember some of expressions of your face, i remember your lips i think, the sound of your voice, kind of. I remember how you said I had vertigo and stupid things like that. I remember we were together, and that a long time ago, everything seemed perfect.
But in the meantime, my memory made everything blurry, as if I had been sleeping and it was all a dream.
Is it wrong, is it wrong to let go? Am I really allowed to? Am I allowed to be afraid not to see other eyes, so different from yours. I like those eyes, and what they seem to tell sometimes.

My sweet angel, it feels so weird right now, it really does. I have never been able to let you go that far. What's happening? I haven't felt that safe and peaceful since you. There are so many things in those eyes reminding me of you. I see you in them, probably why I like them so much.

Will I ever stop crying everytime I see something that reminds me of that day. Of you not with us anymore. Will I be able one day to keep my eyes open and see a car crash without having my mind wandering to another time?

If you're still here, somewhere around, looking after me, then please, dont let those eyes close.

Kashmir

Go on, tell me this story again, tell me the story where we are happy.
Let the sun shine on my face, Warm up my cold inside.
Tell me this story, I like to imagine the sound of your voice in my ear.
Tell me this story that will make my eyes wet. The sun will dry my tears.
Be a butterfly and caress my cheeks, caress my arms. kiss my eyes and my lips, like before.
Tell me our story, the one that should have happened, the one where i am not crying so much. Be you again, let's be happy.
I like to hear this story, i like when you tell it to me in the whispers of the windy tree, in the sound of the leaves, in the sound of the waves crashing on the sand. The beach is ours, the stars are ours, this night will never end.
Tell me those words i loved to hear, so used to them that i didnt really hear them anymore, but now that they're gone, i miss them so much.
Tell me this story again, where i am still your princess, where you make me dance and smile. Where the time is endless, where life and death dont exist, where it's just us, together, against the world and its cruelty.
Keep telling me our story and make me dream, that in another life I would have been happy with someone. That it might never happen again, but it would have been possible. That it is not my fault, that it is not yours, that we just couldnt this time, but next time, next life, next beach, next sun, we'll be us again.
Never stop whispering to me, never let your voice go away, never let your face fade from my memory.
Tell me this story again, you're the only one who'll be able to calm me down.

Angry

Am I allowed to be angry? To scream and to be mad at you. I hate you. But am I allowed to?
Am I allowed to say that it is all unfair, that life is unfair. That it hurts, that i am fed up with everything.
I hate you I hate you, I want to punch you, I want to howl, to tell you that I hate you.
You left me. You promised me you would never let me go but you did. You didnt fight to stay, you just went, and I hate you so much for that. WHY did you go?
I am so mad at you. I am making you an angel, a god, the god of my own religion, I am worshiping you, I am worshiping us, what we used to be so long ago but what's the point in this?
The truth is I hate you, because you had no right to leave.
And while I thought you were somewhere around looking after me, I am realizing you are not.
And if you are, then I hate you even more because what you're doing to me is so mean.
You can't make me hope to break everything.
I want to howl, I want to know, to understand, I fucking hate you.
I don't want to go back to crying over you because I hate you. You left me dealing with this world on my own, you had no right to do that, you should have fought, you should have known, you shouldnt have left me crying on my own in the dark.
You can't keep me for you now, you left, let me go. Don't make me suffer like this, you can't do this anymore, you have no rights on me anymore, you left, you gave up on me, and God I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
I promise to you, if what i am afraid of is true you'll be nothing anymore for me. Your necklace and your ring will be gone for good, the carebear will go in a drawer, you'll be dead for me, for the 2nd time, anyway, where are you, when was the last time you protected me and gave me something to hope for?
I could pray until I cant feel my hands anymore, until my knees hurt, for this thing to be wrong.
I hate you for leaving us, you should have fought, you should have...
Fuck you.

Poisonous

You are like a poison. You're getting into my bloodstream, you made your way through, you're all inside me, and it's bad for me, i know you're bad for me, but somehow it's too late, you've infected me.
You're my poison, getting me high sometimes, but only to make me feel worse the second after. You're so bad, you're killing me softly, but i cant get rid of you, you're too deep inside me.
If I was given the cure, I wouldnt even take it, because if it's too smooth and too simple, it's not gonna work. I need this venimous thing, because i dont know how to deal otherwise.
If you were becoming a perfume, I would look for the snake inside you, the one who bites me and injects its poison.
The more you get away, the more poisonous you get, the more i am hooked up.
I know there's something behind all that, I know it, there's not only a bad snake, but i know you wont show it.
I might have an escape, but am I gonna be able to take it. Or am I gonna stick to my favourite poison?
Dont kill me, but dont set me free. We're the same, but so different in the same time, you react in your way, i react in mine, but we both try to get out of there, coz we're too scared, coz we're bad for each other, but we still cant set ourselves free.
When everything is going well, you get cold, I get paranoid, trying to find every little reason to hate you.
You're my poison, i cant get you out of me, i know you cant get rid of me. I know you're freaking out, I know I am freaking out.
I know what I am looking for, but somehow, I can only like poisonous things, it's so much better. The highs and lows, the rollercoaster, if you're not poisonous, i would not get that. That's what I like.
I'm suicidal, i'll let you be my poison, i'll let you destroy me and ruin me, just like my previous poison, just like life has been a poison, because no matter how loud i'll scream, the pain will never get away, i wont be able to change things, i wont be able to change you.
It's as if by changing you, i was trying to change the past, to finally take control over this thing i havent been able to change.
Putting my energy in changing you is just a way to repeat history, to get exhausted and to try and try, obtain the impossible, make the impossible happens.
My only goal in this is to make you come back. Coz if i can do something impossible, then i can do anything.
If I wasnt suffering, I wouldnt understand why. I need you to be poisonous, coz I cant let my guilt go away. And if I aspire to some rest and peace, to happiness and laugh, deep inside, all I wish for is a new poison to come deliver me.