What's the nightmare?

Bandol...
I thought I would never feel depressed here. And somehow, I have never felt so bad and angry than this year. For as far as I can remember, I have never been alone here. There was always a friend, always. For as far as I can remember, I always had at least one week with Sabrina. And things were less painful last year. I thought the scar here was not that painful, because Bandol was overall about the whole group, over all about Sabrina and Jess.
But left alone here this year, in July, makes me wandering in the streets seeing a ghost everywhere. This morning, alone, lying on the beach, I couldn't take my eyes off the staircases, dying to see a white shirt with green or yellow shorts walking near the shower.
But he will never come back.
So I sleep, to avoid my grandparents asking me thousands of questions.
And while i thought I could have some rest in my sleep, the strangest dream happened.The strangest and most realistic I ever had. It was like a parallel life, like the end of a nightmare and of so much pain. And I was fine in this dream, although torn apart, because there are all those new things in my life I don't want to give up. But there I was, contemplating what I've always wanted. Death is only an illusion.
And while I couldn't stop thinking it was only a dream and it was not possible, the reality of this dream made my conscience believe it was true.
And then, I woke up, suddenly, when my last question to check if everything was real couldn't have a possible answer. And I started to scream and cry, and my grandpa asked me if i just had a nightmare.
And how can you explain that you didn't have a nightmare, but that the nightmare began the moment you woke up. I couldn't speak, I couldn't explain. I was in state of shock again, I was reliving September again. And I thought, wake me up when September ends. But id September ever gonna end?
While I was crying, there were two persons I wanted to hug, or maybe just to call. One had just left my dream, and I never found the phone number of this place he's now. The other was probably asleep, not knowing anything of what's happening to me right now. And while there would be a way to have the phone number, I can't get it. And I got mad at both of them, but it didn't soothe the pain.
So I was left alone, and called the third person I wanted to call. Alway here somehow, fortunately. Never let me down. And slowly, I started to calm down.
I don't know what this dream meant, if there was a message hidden in it, if the spirit just came to visit me, to remind me that he's here, to warn me about something. I can't say. Everything is too mixed up in my head.
I don't dare closing my eyes again, I am scared to fall asleep again, and to have to face the pain of waking up again, to have to face the nightmare again.