Beams

Can someone explain to me why I need to cry when I'm feeling good. It happened in Dublin, and it happened yesterday again.
This same feeling of peace and happiness, and I want to cry. And I cry. Dreading the question, why do you cry?
I don't know why I cry, I have no idea. I'm just here, fine, enjoying this moment, feeling good as I haven't felt in a very long time, and I cry. Words blocked into my head, and scared to say anything, because it will ruin everything.
Is it the pain of feeling you going further and further away, of your picture getting more and more blurry, and your voice less and less precise? I'm saying goodbye to you and slowly starting to letting you go, but it still hurts. It took me 3 years and 3 months to take off your necklace, and to finally find the strength to let you go away. But I still feel guilty.
And I cry because feeling this way just reminds me of you, of before. What I felt 2 years ago was different. It was more passionate, I felt more tortured. But right now, I feel peaceful, I feel good, nothing hanging over me, I feel like having you again.
And I cry, because it's not you, I know it, I might get seriously hurt, I know it, I'm trying not to let myself go, but it's sweet and violent, just like it was with you. I can have what I had with you and this is the first time since you left. But in the meantime, the look is not the same, the words are not the same, I am not a goddess anymore, and I can be hurt.
And I cry, maybe because I am afraid to wake up and realize everything is gone, maybe because I am guilty of letting you go, maybe because I feel like having you again.
This is so difficult, this is so scary. I don't want to hope for nothing again, I don't want to believe again, I want to go back into your arms and feel safe, I need my comfort zone, I can't do this, I can't, I can't.
I can't so I cry, I cry because I can't, but I can't stop it either. It's too late, my wall is scrambling down, there are very few bricks left, I feel vulnerable, I feel exposed. I can't even feel your protection anymore.
And I'm scared, and I cry.