Bang Bang, my baby shot me down

What i have refused to see just appeared in my dreams, as a reminder.
The pain, this awful pain, this tearing, I cannot face that again, I can't endure this once again.
Always different circumstances but always the same story, the same ending. This ending i can't stand anymore, my heart can't take that anymore.
But I also know that I am looking for those endings. Not the first one, but the followings, it is my own fault.
Who was I kidding? I didn't realise up till now, but it is gonna hurt. I've always been the one who said it didn't matter but as the fatal day approaches, I am the one stepping back now and freaking out.
I need to protect myself, to avoid that pain, but isn't it too late anyway? It was too late from the first day, it was unavoidable from day one, even before probably.
You were right from the beginning, and I tried to show you the contrary, but you were so right, and I wish I could be more like you. I wish I had taken more precautions from the beginning.
But I can't do things half half. I don't know grey. I only know black and white.
I can't go on like this, but are my choices anyway now? It's too late. I can just try to do the best to soothe the pain, to make things less difficult when they'll arrive.
I understood you this morning, I understood why you act like that sometimes. Because when it's too nice, when we're too close, leaving is suddenly the best option to not be hurt.
I can't get this feeling away from my mind, those tears, this pain, I don't want to live this again. Should I cut you out of my life then? Should I just ignore you and put a wall between us.
Sometimes, it's just easier to hate than to have no choice, it makes things easier. But I have no anger, nothing to blame you for. You're the way I wanted you to be, and it just makes things more difficult.
As if going back wasn't going to be hard enough. Going back to a boring life there, with everything reminding me of before, of my previous life. Where a sound brings me back to my innocence. Where cars drive on the good side of the roads, where firefighters make this sound I know too well. Where TV is boring and where I can hear French everywhere.
This life I despise, this side of the world I despise, I don't want to be back there, I want to stay here.
And letting your eyes behind. Of course these eyes are gonna shut themselves, that's another look I'm gonna lose.
I suddenly understand everything, and it's hard to fight, to keep the distance, probably because i'm a girl and I'm sensitive. It's hard to put enough distance but not too much.
I wish I were you, I wish I could reach that balance, but somehow i can't. So i'm just going to be distant and cold, and go back to my old pain, anyway, that's the one i'll have to face when i'll be back to these familiar surroundings.
In advance, I'm sorry for what i'm going to put you through.
There's one last thing i wish i could tell you but i'll never admit it, so i'll just shut up.

Bang, bang, you shot me down,
Bang, bang, I hit the ground,
Bang, bang, that awful sound
Bang, bang