Roads

When we are faced with the awful we promise ourselves that we'll never keep our mouths shut anymore. That we'll say what we feel before it's too late.
That we'll show our feelings because life is too short, because there might be no tomorrow.
When you understand that life is fragile and can stop in the blink of an eye leaving you in tears and in pain, with all those words you wanted to say but that you can't say anymore.
We promise ourselves that we'll never have to tell our feelings to a ghost, that we won't have to write what we wanted to say because screaming in the emptiness is not enough and is exhausting.
So the first months, we say. We say everything to avoid having any regrets.

But then life goes on, and we make the same mistakes. We go back to our old pattern and we shut up. Pride comes back and we keep our mouth shut. It's killing from the inside, but gosh no, we are way too proud to say anything, to appear weak, to risk being hurt. Life goes on and we forget that it is fragile, we forget that it can stop in the blink of an eye. It won't happen again, and we keep our mouth shut.

Reason and pride come first, and speak before our feelings. Part of us wants to soften because we have a blurry memory of the feeling, but this part is quickly overcome by the rest. By the fear, by the logic, by the pride. Fucking pride.

I should know better, I learnt it the hard way, I know death can happen again, but somehow, i can't defeat my pride, so I shut up, I don't soften, I act cold and distant. To regret it one day.

We always end up doing the same mistake, over and over again. No matter how hard we promised ourselves never to do so.