I remember

One year ago...
I remember my feeling of that arvo, my anxious anticipation while I was reading my articles. My doubts and fears, the fear of what I could say on that night, the fear of the unknown. I was about to do it and freaking out.
I remember getting ready, all excited, I remember Onur's question, I don't really remember the train trip but I remember exactly how I was dressed.
I remember going to watch the stars, what a perfect night. I remember that weird sandwich eaten cos I was starving in the line. I remember you being nice. I remember Saturn's ring and that old man who couldn't stop talking.
I remember the little candle lit in your room cos it was Earth Hour and it was better to turn off the lights.
I remember your question, if I was sure, I remember saying yes, half excited half afraid.
And a new world opened itself in front of me. Feelings I hadn't conceived, sensations I hadn't imagined up till that night.
Never had I felt so close from someone, so connected. Never had I felt the need to tell my life like i did on that night. Never had I felt so strong sensations in my body. Never had I had tears running down my cheeks without realising it.
I remember your concern and your attention, so rare and so enjoyable. I remember hearing Cog for the first time, I remember eating those starburst in my mouth, so unbearable cos too sweet for my sudden accentuated taste.
Alert to everything, listening to your past, touched by what you could tell even if it was all just artificial, even if it would have never happened if we had been normal on that night.
I remember falling asleep while you were watching entourage, I remember the wake up and the voicemail, how you tried to cheer me up by doing a sad clown face.
I gave in the devil temptation on that night but never have I regretted it. I had never lived such an amazing experience.

One year later, while i watched the Opera House lights being turned off for one hour on the news, I had a pain in my chest, a pain in my stomach, just to remember everything that had happened one year before.

It is in these precise moments that i would give anything to be back there and that I miss you.