Lettre à Sydney

Polnareff sang this beautiful song about France, but when I listen to it, it makes me think of my feelings for Australia. And the double meaning is somewhat accurate as well.

Once upon a time... I was in Sydney. I miss it. There has been too many reminders this week. This sudden renewed connection with you, news from home, it's all too much.

We're gonna go back to being strangers, i'm gonna stop asking news to avoid the pain and it will all go back to normal. But today, just today, I think of all these moments. You and me, me and this city.
The skyline when I was walking to the train, the lattes, the chai lattes, the train, Sydney uni. My phone there, my house. My friends, the parties, the walks, the brekkies in double bay, the brekkies at home.

The opera house, the Harbour bridge. The feeling I got when I first saw them, the pain I felt when I saw them for the last time on that Friday night.

Our memories. Hearing your voice for the first time from that public phone, my anxious wait in front of the Coles in Kings Cross, our second kiss, first in Sydney, in that train.
The rides to your place, your house I could draw with my eyes closed. That time we taught me on which side of the escalator to stand, that time we went to sit on the stairs of the Opera House and you told me that was reminding you of our night in Miami. Your drunken calls, ou drunken and sober fights, the mean things you told me. The make-ups, the last night, your panic attack in my bed, your anxiety, my pain and anxiety. Our last kiss. Seeing you staying behind those doors, and me going through them, handing my passport in tears. Listening to Tool like that arvo in your car when the sun was shining.
What you told me while we were sitting on the pavement in Kings Cross. That you would lose everything. And the rest of it, the first chats and mails, and that stupid phone call which screwed up everything.

And now what's left? Jianni is having his own business, Adele is living in the same city as Cam, Daniel bought an apartment, Onur is gonna go away for a year, and you, you stay the screwed up kid i met.

Why is it so strong, why can't I erase everything, why cant I behave with you like i do with anybody else? What is it with you, what did you do to me?

Depuis que je suis loin de toi, je suis comme loin de moi, et je pense à toi tout bas.
Tu es à 24h de moi, je suis à une année de toi, c'est ca être ici.
La différence, c'est ce silence, parfois au fond de moi. 
Tu vis toujours au bord de l'eau, quelques fois dans les journaux, je te vois sur des photos
Et moi, loin de toi, je vis dans une boîte à musique, électrique et fantastique, 
Je vis en chimérique.
 

Welcome to Mystery

This is a place where your mind can escape to
All the problems today and go far far away
This is time with no history
Welcome to mystery

I would like to go to that place tonight, cos the pain is back. Milder of course, as usual when it comes back, but there. It's just a little bit too familiar.
The Insa is grieving again and it just reminds me of 4 year and a half ago. That long ago. Not the same circumstances at all. But i was seeing your old window on tv and i just remembered that one day you did exist and lived there.

What kills me tonight is that there is no reminder of you anywhere. Just that Olive tree and your home. No flowers, no memorial. Where are you sweet angel? Why did I forget so much about you. When I write you name, it feels weird. Like it's in the back of my mind, something that will never go away but that i forgot.

It doesn't seem real, i'm not even sure why i'm talking to you. It's their weird feeling of a safe place, a safe thing to think about, to reassure me, to remind me that that time existed.

I am confused. I hate time for erasing things. I didn't believe people when they were telling me it would. I didn't want to. I didn't want to lose my pain cos i knew the moment i'd stop feeling constant pain, it would mean i would forget.

Of course, you never really forget but it is not the same anymore. You get used to it. Not being able to see you helped.
Everything becomes blurry. But right now i have a vivid picture of you in my head and it hurts. To imagine being able to see you and hold you.
Holding you, that's what i miss the most when i think about it. Touching you. Feeling your skin under my fingers. Feeling that you're real and alive.


In one hour, in two hours, tomorrow, my tears will be gone again. I'll go back to this world i've been building ever since you've been gone, i'll go back to this new life, this life where it feels like you never existed. I'll go back to living while you'll stay dead and nonexistent.

But for just a few more minutes, a few more hours, i wanna keep that pain just to remember that you were with us one day. And I wanna keep that hope that i'll be able one day to go to Mystery Land, with no history, where my mind can escape to, a new destination of my own creation, where i would make you come back for just 1 minute just so that, for a last time, i can hold you against me and feel your warm skin and your heart beat.

I remember

One year ago...
I remember my feeling of that arvo, my anxious anticipation while I was reading my articles. My doubts and fears, the fear of what I could say on that night, the fear of the unknown. I was about to do it and freaking out.
I remember getting ready, all excited, I remember Onur's question, I don't really remember the train trip but I remember exactly how I was dressed.
I remember going to watch the stars, what a perfect night. I remember that weird sandwich eaten cos I was starving in the line. I remember you being nice. I remember Saturn's ring and that old man who couldn't stop talking.
I remember the little candle lit in your room cos it was Earth Hour and it was better to turn off the lights.
I remember your question, if I was sure, I remember saying yes, half excited half afraid.
And a new world opened itself in front of me. Feelings I hadn't conceived, sensations I hadn't imagined up till that night.
Never had I felt so close from someone, so connected. Never had I felt the need to tell my life like i did on that night. Never had I felt so strong sensations in my body. Never had I had tears running down my cheeks without realising it.
I remember your concern and your attention, so rare and so enjoyable. I remember hearing Cog for the first time, I remember eating those starburst in my mouth, so unbearable cos too sweet for my sudden accentuated taste.
Alert to everything, listening to your past, touched by what you could tell even if it was all just artificial, even if it would have never happened if we had been normal on that night.
I remember falling asleep while you were watching entourage, I remember the wake up and the voicemail, how you tried to cheer me up by doing a sad clown face.
I gave in the devil temptation on that night but never have I regretted it. I had never lived such an amazing experience.

One year later, while i watched the Opera House lights being turned off for one hour on the news, I had a pain in my chest, a pain in my stomach, just to remember everything that had happened one year before.

It is in these precise moments that i would give anything to be back there and that I miss you.

Miss you

I said it. Can't say it anywhere else, but I miss you.

Running away

I'm running away, moving from this place. I need to get out of here.
I need to run away from this place, to go back to the other side of the world, where i'll be closer but that's what i am running away from too.
I go through all the different emotions in less than 24 hours. I'm insomniac and can't sleep. I'm tired and my eyes are red.
Because i need to run away from this place, to run away from the bad memories, from the pain, from the memories, from the letters, from the pictures.
Because I need to run away from you, but can't seem to, you stupid you, you stole my old memories, you made your way through them, you had no rights to do that, why the fuck can't I run away, erase, forget? If I run away from my biggest pain, then i get closer to you, and i need to run away from you.
But the choice is just easy, i'll end up being able to run away from you, but i'll never forget the other thing.
I hate life and its roller coasters, its metaphorical parabolas, from nothing to a lot to end up back to nothing.
So we are strangers now, we are strangers again, like nothing never happened, like no trace was left. Like the smiles and laughs, the tears and pain were nothing, they were not worth living, because we are back to nothing. I should have known.
I wish I never got to see you again. I wish that for once life would have been gentle.

I never want to experience pain again. So when i'll have run away from you, i'll run away from here and will never let someone get so close to me that I need to run away from him.

I'm running away, i'm leaving this place, i'm running away...

Roads

When we are faced with the awful we promise ourselves that we'll never keep our mouths shut anymore. That we'll say what we feel before it's too late.
That we'll show our feelings because life is too short, because there might be no tomorrow.
When you understand that life is fragile and can stop in the blink of an eye leaving you in tears and in pain, with all those words you wanted to say but that you can't say anymore.
We promise ourselves that we'll never have to tell our feelings to a ghost, that we won't have to write what we wanted to say because screaming in the emptiness is not enough and is exhausting.
So the first months, we say. We say everything to avoid having any regrets.

But then life goes on, and we make the same mistakes. We go back to our old pattern and we shut up. Pride comes back and we keep our mouth shut. It's killing from the inside, but gosh no, we are way too proud to say anything, to appear weak, to risk being hurt. Life goes on and we forget that it is fragile, we forget that it can stop in the blink of an eye. It won't happen again, and we keep our mouth shut.

Reason and pride come first, and speak before our feelings. Part of us wants to soften because we have a blurry memory of the feeling, but this part is quickly overcome by the rest. By the fear, by the logic, by the pride. Fucking pride.

I should know better, I learnt it the hard way, I know death can happen again, but somehow, i can't defeat my pride, so I shut up, I don't soften, I act cold and distant. To regret it one day.

We always end up doing the same mistake, over and over again. No matter how hard we promised ourselves never to do so.

Bang Bang, my baby shot me down

What i have refused to see just appeared in my dreams, as a reminder.
The pain, this awful pain, this tearing, I cannot face that again, I can't endure this once again.
Always different circumstances but always the same story, the same ending. This ending i can't stand anymore, my heart can't take that anymore.
But I also know that I am looking for those endings. Not the first one, but the followings, it is my own fault.
Who was I kidding? I didn't realise up till now, but it is gonna hurt. I've always been the one who said it didn't matter but as the fatal day approaches, I am the one stepping back now and freaking out.
I need to protect myself, to avoid that pain, but isn't it too late anyway? It was too late from the first day, it was unavoidable from day one, even before probably.
You were right from the beginning, and I tried to show you the contrary, but you were so right, and I wish I could be more like you. I wish I had taken more precautions from the beginning.
But I can't do things half half. I don't know grey. I only know black and white.
I can't go on like this, but are my choices anyway now? It's too late. I can just try to do the best to soothe the pain, to make things less difficult when they'll arrive.
I understood you this morning, I understood why you act like that sometimes. Because when it's too nice, when we're too close, leaving is suddenly the best option to not be hurt.
I can't get this feeling away from my mind, those tears, this pain, I don't want to live this again. Should I cut you out of my life then? Should I just ignore you and put a wall between us.
Sometimes, it's just easier to hate than to have no choice, it makes things easier. But I have no anger, nothing to blame you for. You're the way I wanted you to be, and it just makes things more difficult.
As if going back wasn't going to be hard enough. Going back to a boring life there, with everything reminding me of before, of my previous life. Where a sound brings me back to my innocence. Where cars drive on the good side of the roads, where firefighters make this sound I know too well. Where TV is boring and where I can hear French everywhere.
This life I despise, this side of the world I despise, I don't want to be back there, I want to stay here.
And letting your eyes behind. Of course these eyes are gonna shut themselves, that's another look I'm gonna lose.
I suddenly understand everything, and it's hard to fight, to keep the distance, probably because i'm a girl and I'm sensitive. It's hard to put enough distance but not too much.
I wish I were you, I wish I could reach that balance, but somehow i can't. So i'm just going to be distant and cold, and go back to my old pain, anyway, that's the one i'll have to face when i'll be back to these familiar surroundings.
In advance, I'm sorry for what i'm going to put you through.
There's one last thing i wish i could tell you but i'll never admit it, so i'll just shut up.

Bang, bang, you shot me down,
Bang, bang, I hit the ground,
Bang, bang, that awful sound
Bang, bang

Collision

Pourquoi être venu me chercher si c'était pour mieux t'en aller?
Je n'y peux rien s'il y a cette connection entre nous, je n'en n'avais rien à foutre de toi, vraiment rien à foutre.
Cette nuit serait juste restée un beau souvenir si tu n'avais pas laissé ce putain de mot.
Si tu n'avais pas écrit tout ce que tu as écrit
Si tu n'avais cherché à me revoir.
Et je te déteste, du plus profond de mon être, pour me faire ce que tu me fais
Mais telle une drogue, je ne peux pas me désintoxiquer.
L'alcool coules dans mon sang, la nicotine vient pourrir mes poumons, je ne voulais pas de toi, je ne voulais pas de tout ca, je ne voulais rien, rien du tout, que crever en paix il y a 3ans.
Va te faire, je te hais, mais la haine est le plus proche sentiment de l'autre chose, cette autre chose dont je ne me souviens plus la signification.
Je ne veux plus te voir, plus rien avoir à faire avec toi, je ne veux que mon bébé, je ne veux que lui, sur une plage, sur le sable, lui seul et personne d'autre.
Tu n'es rien d'autre qu'un gamin insignifiant, un petit con immature.
Laisse-moi en paix et rends-moi mes démons intérieurs, tu ne vaux rien.
Tu ne vaux rien.

It is in your eyes

Your eyes... I am wondering how I would feel if I had been able to see them again. To see your look a last time.
Only a movie, that would have never been possible, but what would have happened if I had been given the chance to see them again.
The weird thing is that i can't really remember them now. God it is becoming all so blurry. Your face is so blurry, your memory is so distant.
I just remember a feeling. I know that it happened, i know that you existed, i remember some of expressions of your face, i remember your lips i think, the sound of your voice, kind of. I remember how you said I had vertigo and stupid things like that. I remember we were together, and that a long time ago, everything seemed perfect.
But in the meantime, my memory made everything blurry, as if I had been sleeping and it was all a dream.
Is it wrong, is it wrong to let go? Am I really allowed to? Am I allowed to be afraid not to see other eyes, so different from yours. I like those eyes, and what they seem to tell sometimes.

My sweet angel, it feels so weird right now, it really does. I have never been able to let you go that far. What's happening? I haven't felt that safe and peaceful since you. There are so many things in those eyes reminding me of you. I see you in them, probably why I like them so much.

Will I ever stop crying everytime I see something that reminds me of that day. Of you not with us anymore. Will I be able one day to keep my eyes open and see a car crash without having my mind wandering to another time?

If you're still here, somewhere around, looking after me, then please, dont let those eyes close.

Kashmir

Go on, tell me this story again, tell me the story where we are happy.
Let the sun shine on my face, Warm up my cold inside.
Tell me this story, I like to imagine the sound of your voice in my ear.
Tell me this story that will make my eyes wet. The sun will dry my tears.
Be a butterfly and caress my cheeks, caress my arms. kiss my eyes and my lips, like before.
Tell me our story, the one that should have happened, the one where i am not crying so much. Be you again, let's be happy.
I like to hear this story, i like when you tell it to me in the whispers of the windy tree, in the sound of the leaves, in the sound of the waves crashing on the sand. The beach is ours, the stars are ours, this night will never end.
Tell me those words i loved to hear, so used to them that i didnt really hear them anymore, but now that they're gone, i miss them so much.
Tell me this story again, where i am still your princess, where you make me dance and smile. Where the time is endless, where life and death dont exist, where it's just us, together, against the world and its cruelty.
Keep telling me our story and make me dream, that in another life I would have been happy with someone. That it might never happen again, but it would have been possible. That it is not my fault, that it is not yours, that we just couldnt this time, but next time, next life, next beach, next sun, we'll be us again.
Never stop whispering to me, never let your voice go away, never let your face fade from my memory.
Tell me this story again, you're the only one who'll be able to calm me down.

Angry

Am I allowed to be angry? To scream and to be mad at you. I hate you. But am I allowed to?
Am I allowed to say that it is all unfair, that life is unfair. That it hurts, that i am fed up with everything.
I hate you I hate you, I want to punch you, I want to howl, to tell you that I hate you.
You left me. You promised me you would never let me go but you did. You didnt fight to stay, you just went, and I hate you so much for that. WHY did you go?
I am so mad at you. I am making you an angel, a god, the god of my own religion, I am worshiping you, I am worshiping us, what we used to be so long ago but what's the point in this?
The truth is I hate you, because you had no right to leave.
And while I thought you were somewhere around looking after me, I am realizing you are not.
And if you are, then I hate you even more because what you're doing to me is so mean.
You can't make me hope to break everything.
I want to howl, I want to know, to understand, I fucking hate you.
I don't want to go back to crying over you because I hate you. You left me dealing with this world on my own, you had no right to do that, you should have fought, you should have known, you shouldnt have left me crying on my own in the dark.
You can't keep me for you now, you left, let me go. Don't make me suffer like this, you can't do this anymore, you have no rights on me anymore, you left, you gave up on me, and God I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
I promise to you, if what i am afraid of is true you'll be nothing anymore for me. Your necklace and your ring will be gone for good, the carebear will go in a drawer, you'll be dead for me, for the 2nd time, anyway, where are you, when was the last time you protected me and gave me something to hope for?
I could pray until I cant feel my hands anymore, until my knees hurt, for this thing to be wrong.
I hate you for leaving us, you should have fought, you should have...
Fuck you.

Poisonous

You are like a poison. You're getting into my bloodstream, you made your way through, you're all inside me, and it's bad for me, i know you're bad for me, but somehow it's too late, you've infected me.
You're my poison, getting me high sometimes, but only to make me feel worse the second after. You're so bad, you're killing me softly, but i cant get rid of you, you're too deep inside me.
If I was given the cure, I wouldnt even take it, because if it's too smooth and too simple, it's not gonna work. I need this venimous thing, because i dont know how to deal otherwise.
If you were becoming a perfume, I would look for the snake inside you, the one who bites me and injects its poison.
The more you get away, the more poisonous you get, the more i am hooked up.
I know there's something behind all that, I know it, there's not only a bad snake, but i know you wont show it.
I might have an escape, but am I gonna be able to take it. Or am I gonna stick to my favourite poison?
Dont kill me, but dont set me free. We're the same, but so different in the same time, you react in your way, i react in mine, but we both try to get out of there, coz we're too scared, coz we're bad for each other, but we still cant set ourselves free.
When everything is going well, you get cold, I get paranoid, trying to find every little reason to hate you.
You're my poison, i cant get you out of me, i know you cant get rid of me. I know you're freaking out, I know I am freaking out.
I know what I am looking for, but somehow, I can only like poisonous things, it's so much better. The highs and lows, the rollercoaster, if you're not poisonous, i would not get that. That's what I like.
I'm suicidal, i'll let you be my poison, i'll let you destroy me and ruin me, just like my previous poison, just like life has been a poison, because no matter how loud i'll scream, the pain will never get away, i wont be able to change things, i wont be able to change you.
It's as if by changing you, i was trying to change the past, to finally take control over this thing i havent been able to change.
Putting my energy in changing you is just a way to repeat history, to get exhausted and to try and try, obtain the impossible, make the impossible happens.
My only goal in this is to make you come back. Coz if i can do something impossible, then i can do anything.
If I wasnt suffering, I wouldnt understand why. I need you to be poisonous, coz I cant let my guilt go away. And if I aspire to some rest and peace, to happiness and laugh, deep inside, all I wish for is a new poison to come deliver me.

Beams

Can someone explain to me why I need to cry when I'm feeling good. It happened in Dublin, and it happened yesterday again.
This same feeling of peace and happiness, and I want to cry. And I cry. Dreading the question, why do you cry?
I don't know why I cry, I have no idea. I'm just here, fine, enjoying this moment, feeling good as I haven't felt in a very long time, and I cry. Words blocked into my head, and scared to say anything, because it will ruin everything.
Is it the pain of feeling you going further and further away, of your picture getting more and more blurry, and your voice less and less precise? I'm saying goodbye to you and slowly starting to letting you go, but it still hurts. It took me 3 years and 3 months to take off your necklace, and to finally find the strength to let you go away. But I still feel guilty.
And I cry because feeling this way just reminds me of you, of before. What I felt 2 years ago was different. It was more passionate, I felt more tortured. But right now, I feel peaceful, I feel good, nothing hanging over me, I feel like having you again.
And I cry, because it's not you, I know it, I might get seriously hurt, I know it, I'm trying not to let myself go, but it's sweet and violent, just like it was with you. I can have what I had with you and this is the first time since you left. But in the meantime, the look is not the same, the words are not the same, I am not a goddess anymore, and I can be hurt.
And I cry, maybe because I am afraid to wake up and realize everything is gone, maybe because I am guilty of letting you go, maybe because I feel like having you again.
This is so difficult, this is so scary. I don't want to hope for nothing again, I don't want to believe again, I want to go back into your arms and feel safe, I need my comfort zone, I can't do this, I can't, I can't.
I can't so I cry, I cry because I can't, but I can't stop it either. It's too late, my wall is scrambling down, there are very few bricks left, I feel vulnerable, I feel exposed. I can't even feel your protection anymore.
And I'm scared, and I cry.

Mon coeur, mon amour....

.... Ou comment le pathétisme de certaines personnes en couple me donne envie de gerber.

J'écris souvent dans ce blog que je voudrais trouver quelqu'un, être amoureuse, être en couple. Parce qu'avouons-le, nous cherchons toutes ce prince charmant qui nous fera vibrer. Mais par pitié, si je trouve THE man, et que je vire guimauve, achevez-moi sur place.

La plupart de mes amies sont célibataires, donc je ne me sens pas isolée et je me dis que même si on se plaint la plupart du temps et qu'on a toutes nos moments de solitude ou de parano "je trouverai jamais personne", on est quand même super heureuse de notre vie et de tout ce qu'on réussit à accomplir pour nous, toutes seules comme des grandes. Que ce soit se crever le cul dans un labo, vivre notre rêve à l'étranger, être sous-payée à calculer des plans de bâtiments ou soigner des gens 28h sur 24, on a des amis, on s'éclate, on profite de la vie, et même seule on a notre vie trépidente, bien à nous, qu'on ne changerait pour rien au monde. Limite, on aurait du mal à faire de la place à quelqu'un parce que c'est dur de changer nos habitudes.

Mais il y a ces autres filles. Je dis pas, être en couple n'est pas une tare. Certaines sont en couple et ont toujours une vie trépidente à elle et s'éclatent et pensent à elle. Mais certaines, OMG, j'ai envie de vomir quand je vois leur page facebook ou leur MSN. Tout est nous, tout est on. Ta photo, c'est avec ton chéri, tes status, c'est par rapport à ton chéri... Tout tourne autour du couple, et ca en est pathétique. "mon coeur chéri d'amour je t'aime", "So happy with the man she loves", blabla, ce dégoulinage de chamallow rose, ca me révulse. Et pas par jalousie, vraiment pas. Je n'envie pour rien au monde ce qu'elles vivent. J'aurais l'impression de n'exister qu'au travers d'un couple, d'un ensemble, et pas par moi-même. Et c'est comme ca qu'à 24 ans, on se retrouve avec une centrale vapeur comme cadeau.

Donc est-on vraiment plus heureuse en couple? Moi je dis, quand je vois ce que le fait d'être dans une relation peut faire à certaines filles, je préfère continuer à saboter mes relations et continuer ma vie de célibataire. Parce que quitte à choisir, je préfère être une Carrie pour le reste de ma vie.

One day i'll stop being paranoid and screwing up things

La vie c'est toujours la meme chose. Quand tu veux quelque chose, tu l'as pas, quand tu l'as, tu l'as en plusieurs exemplaires.
Je suis toujours la meme chose, parano au possible, ayant du mal a croire que quelque chose de bien peut vraiment m'arriver. J'arrive a tout decortiquer jusqu'a en trouver la petite bete.
J'ai reve de ce moment, et jsuis peut-etre sur le point de tout foutre en l'air, parce que trop incertaine, aucune confiance, et trop peur de souffrir. Je me protege en profitant, mais je veux pas perdre ce que je viens de trouver. Le probleme, c'est que je sais pas exactement ce que j'ai trouve. Et poser la question serait du suicide.
Alors je reste avec mes doutes, et ma parano, et ma pseudo-facon de me proteger.
Arreter d'essayer de tout foutre en l'air, la situation est simple cette fois, c'est peut-etre la le probleme. C'est trop parfait, trop irreel, et il faudrait que j'arrive a me convaincre que je le merite, que une histoire peut se passer normalement dans ma vie. Que je ne suis pas soumise a une malediction incontournable.
Fucking you before, fucking life, fucking me for being so twisted.

3 years

3 years it's 36 months, 156 weeks, 1095 days, 65700 minutes, 3942000 seconds. It can look like a lot of time, it can look like a little time.
3 years it's also a sixth of your life.
3 years is the time i've been spending without you. Without your voice, without your smile, without you.
3 years ago, you were waking up, not knowing what was going to happen to you. I was waking up, not knowing that i wouldn't be able to fix our relationship this time. A Spanish man was waking up and getting ready to take his white truck, not knowing he would park his truck at the wrong spot. Another man was waking up and was saying goodbye to his son, not knowing he would kill someone that day.
3 years ago, you were seeing your room, your house, your swimming pool, your dog, your cat, your parents, not knowing the next time you would be there, you would only be ashes spread around a small and fragile olive tree.
3 years ago, i heard your voice and your words, not knowing this would the last time it would happen.
3 years ago, you were driving for the last time.
3 years ago, it was raining and the highway was closed.
3 years ago, you decided to do a U-turn at a gas station.
3 years ago, you didn't see the truck, the driver saw you too late and bumped into you.
3 years ago, you gave your last breath.
3 years ago, my life changed for ever.

3 years ago, i thought 3 years without you would be unlivable. 3 years looked like an eternity for me, an eternity without you, a torture. But days have gone by, then months, then years.
And here I am, 3 years later. Alone.
I am still wondering thousands of questions but somehow, the pain has become milder. It's still here, i'm still crying and thinking a lot about you, but i can live again.
My smile is back, maybe not the sparkle in my eyes, but sometimes it's here. I'm trying to believe in life again, to find the strength to go on, to hope again, even if sometimes, i would want to give up everything.
I need your love and your protection, your light, your strength. I will never give up on you, i will never forget you, but I need to go on living, i need to build that something i'm missing. But it seems sometimes that it is never going to happen. So I need you.

If I had been told 3 years ago all that was going to happen, I wouldn't have believed it. But it did happen. You left me.

And as I said, it has been hell, there were tears and pain, but there was also laugh and hope.
Life goes on, life always goes on whether we like it or no.

Ily and miss you sweet angel.

I jumped

And more than once. Sometimes, i don't even recognize myself.
Ok, saying yes for the plane ticket was easy. I had to think 5 minutes about it to be sure. Imagining my life without this trip just convinced me. I can't stay here and let this dream go away. Now I just have to realize that I did it. The Choupi's army is ready to go fight kangaroos. And it's not because i don't know anybody (petit coeur doesn't count, i am not leaving for him, so we'll see if we get to see each other again), that i'm gonna let my fear win and step back. No way.
Then, why did I do that tonight? No fucking idea. I just know I had to do it, to prove sth to myself, that i had grown up, that i was trying to fight these fucking irrational thoughts, that i was trying to gain this confidence, that after all self CBT is not so bad and that a freudian analysis would not have allowed me to do this. God psychology in France sucks. Because when you think about it, the way CBT tells you to think about it, it's true you're not risking your life, and life is too short, i know that too well.
Another thing i've learnt lately is that destiny might put some stuff on your road, might drive your life a little bit but just taking it as an excuse of all the things happening to you is not a good thing. Sometimes, you just have to help destiny and take control of your life. And say what you have to say, and dare to do things without thinking that no, that destiny didn't want to, that it wasn't meant to happen. You have to fight sometimes to get what you want. And one day i'll have what i want.
I should stop thinking i'm stupid and others don't like me. I am not that horrible.
I took control of my life tonight, I did what I wanted to do, what i was bottling inside, and even if i was shaking like a leaf, and my heart was beating so fast, i've never been so happy to realize something like that.
Life is not the marvellous world of Choupi. Prince Charming isn't gonna arrive on his white horse and save me from an awful dull life. Maybe the princess has to go search for the Prince and tell him to move his fucking ass. Maybe she has to say what she wants and thinks. Who says only Prince can make the first step.
And this story probably won't end up in an happily ever after. Prince isn't gonna come, to wait for you at the exit to kiss you, his bags in his hands saying that's what he wanted to hear and that he's staying just a little bit. That's just good for movies and fairy tales. In real life, it's never like this. These stories created are just here to make us keep dreaming and believing. But making us dream too much can be dangerous and can make you live in a dream and dream your life instead of living it and living your dream.

Today, I jumped, and I lived my life instead of picturing thousands of perfect stories in my head. And i am proud of it.

There's one thing we should all know, we should be told from the moment we were born. Because when you learn it, you learn it by yourself and it hurts. Don't trust anybody, we're all on our own.
Friends, boyfriends, you'll soon realize they let you down in the end. And you're left crying. So you put a smile on your face, to pretend nothing happened, and you're alone, really alone, you let yourself go.
But this time, you won't tell anybody, you won't go try to find comfort into someone's arms. Finally you got it, there's only one person you can count on, you.
The good and the bad things, you'll keep them for you from now on.
Don't worry, it will go better, it's nothing right. Like everything else, it will go. It's just another little scar in your heart. One more, one less, who can tell the difference. Can't you give the change anyway.
It will almost go back to normal, you're good at pretending.
It's easy to give the illusion, to act as if nothing happened. Nobody can know what's going on in your mind, nobody can read in your eyes.
Smile, people won't know.
You've learnt it the hard way, but that's it. You can't trust anybody. You will always get hurt in the end otherwise.

It's too late to apologize

Is it? No, it will never be too late, one day i want real decent excuses. Because i don't think you realize what you did, Don't you?
I'm mad at you and at me. Because I was so stupid. I didn't say anything, i read the old stuff, and i felt so stupid and ashamed and humiliated. How could you do that?
Just one question... What didn't you understand in the story of my life? Do you think the first time you saw me crying i pretended it?
Where do I begin? I don't hate you, there are just some days I'm more mad than others. Because im realizing a stranger is nicer and paying more attention to me and my life than you. Did it ever come to your mind to ask me a picture of where i live? Did it ever come to your mind to wish me good luck for my exam the morning before?
Did you take the time to answer to my emails with an equal length? Instead of 2 stupid lines to give you good conscience after i sent 4 emails almost begging you to give me some news. God i was so stupid. I know at first you did it. But after 2 months it was already old story.
You knew from the beginning and you made it last.
You exhausted me, emotionally and physically. And i let you do it. And i was always like "i understand, it's ok". But no, it wasn't. Did you try to understand me or my feelings or are you just too selfish and too self-centred to realize people around had feelings, that I had feelings, that i had already been through hell and that no it wasn't easy for me either.
That i was alone too, that my friends didn't understand and i couldn't tell them. They hated you, they still hate you, and they'll keep hating you.
What i never told you, what you don't know is that you destroyed me. You made me lose faith and hope, i was broken, and it was too much. I can't trust anymore, either me or any one else. Even if a guy was offering me the moon, i'd be scared and i'd think deep inside he's lying. I was too proud to tell you but you did. You ruined me. I can't open myself because im too scared to be hurt again. I've been wanting to punch you for months so that you can suffer too, so that you can feel a hundredth of what i've been feeling like after what you did. And then you're asking me why i dont have a boyfriend. You must have been fucking kidding me when you asked me that question. Believe me, i'm not gonna let someone in anymore unless he's really patient and mends me. Maybe that's what happening right now, and maybe that's why i'm realizing right now all this. And i don't have the guts to send you that, but i need it out of me.
One day, i'll explain all this to you, calmly, i needed the time to realize, i needed the time to let myself say it, to admit that i've been so stupid, to admit that yes you did break me, to admit that no it wasn't ok, no i didn't understand, no i shouldn't have been so understanding and so patient. And you knew my story, and you knew my life, and you knew what happened before, and you never had to live that, so maybe you couldn't understand, maybe you didn't realize what it meant to me to let you in, and you probably don't realize all the damages you left behind you.
One day, i'll be strong enough to tell you all that, and i'll have my apology. I'll probably have moved on, i think i've moved on now, but this bitterness is still here and has been more present lately when i realized what caring for someone actually meant and that's why i needed that out. Because it's not fair and i hate injustice, i hate when the bad wins, it will never be too late for apologies.
Not in 6 months, not in 1 year, not in 50 years.

I can't find a title. I was just thinking that life is weird.
Because I have a little something, I have been having it for almost 2 months now, while i was thinking that it would probably be over by now.
How to explain it? I don't know.
Just little (no, big in fact) emails, little sentences, little attentions, little simple things that make me feel better, and make my day better.
How do you learn to know someone you saw once in your life through the magic of the Internet? How can someone you barely know pay more attention to you than did your ex-boyfriend in the last months of your relationship? The time difference is the same though....
How all of this started? Why is it so nice and pleasurable?
Little by little, learning to believe again that people are nice and not trying to break you, learning to trust life again.
Thx petit coeur for making me smile every day.